| I was reading a management development | | | | parking lot. "What a wonky experience," I |
| article the other day and learned that if I | | | | thought. I looked at my wrist. I was still |
| wanted to succeed, I should look to persons | | | | wearing my WWJE bracelet. I wondered if I |
| who have succeeded before me, and do what | | | | would ever find out What Would Jesus Email.I |
| they did. Seemed easy enough. I just needed | | | | was feeling like that silly giggling |
| to identify some marketing geniuses and I | | | | Starbucks barista had really sent me down a |
| would be set. I pondered long and hard who I | | | | rabbit trail. And that management article was |
| wanted to put on my list that I would | | | | really starting to bug me. Where could I find |
| emulate. Who had stood the test of time and | | | | out more about this Jesus guy? Mel's movie |
| was still standing?I was not getting very | | | | was not an option. It was in Aramaic and I |
| far, and my list was pretty short, so I | | | | hated subtitles.I heard Madame Emael's voice |
| headed off to Starbucks. Maybe a grande | | | | in my ear: "Go to confessional," so I drove |
| latte, with a double shot, would help jolt my | | | | around and found the first Catholic Church I |
| memory. I was standing at the coffee bar | | | | could find with free parking.The priest |
| waiting for a sleeve when I saw a rather | | | | greeted me with a warm welcome and explained |
| peculiar bracelet on the barista's wrist.WWJD | | | | that all the regular priests had the day off, |
| was all it said."What the heck did WWJD stand | | | | as it was Monday. He was semi-retired and |
| for?" I thought. "Wine, women, and Jack | | | | came in and covered the off-days and |
| Daniels perhaps? No, probably some marketing | | | | holidays. He told me I could call him Father |
| attempt from some record shop or | | | | Eudora. He seemed really nice, though somehow |
| something."Noticing my trance-like stare at | | | | I got the sense he was outdated.I explained I |
| the bracelet, the barista whispered, "What | | | | wanted to confess, but was not Catholic. He |
| Would Jesus Do?" giggled, and disappeared to | | | | said it didn't matter and took me through the |
| go find more sleeves."What Would Jesus Do?" I | | | | chapel to the booth. We got all set up and I |
| wondered. "What kind of a weird question | | | | told him about the Starbucks barista, the |
| was..."Oh my god, I mean -- gosh! Jesus was a | | | | WWJD bracelet, my session with Madame Emael |
| perfect marketing genius. His teachings are | | | | and how she was really a guy and how I had |
| still around today and he has been dead for | | | | made my own WWJE bracelet in my quest to find |
| thousands of years. He would be a perfect | | | | out What Would Jesus Email...but when I got |
| name for my list!" I realized.Since my | | | | to the part of my story about how I had |
| primary focus is Email Marketing I made up my | | | | noticed that I was acquiring a rash from the |
| own bracelet.WWJE? Or What Would Jesus | | | | bracelet the curtain slowly inched opened.I |
| Email?I wore the bracelet for a few days but | | | | saw Father Eudora squinting through the |
| did not feel any different (except for the | | | | window looking at me like I was a leper."You |
| rash I developed from the paint I had used on | | | | are not religious are you?" he asked through |
| the leather). I quickly realized I did not | | | | the window."No," I said. "My parents had me |
| know very much about Jesus and I needed some | | | | in the 60's, you know, beads, knitted |
| help or I would never find out his marketing | | | | ponchos, love-ins, The Mamas & the Papas..." |
| secrets. Who could help me find out What | | | | He got out of his side of the booth, and |
| Would Jesus Email?I got out my Palm Pilot and | | | | raised his hand to stop me."Come with me," he |
| pondered who, in my address book, could help | | | | said as he led me back into the chapel. "Let |
| me. I looked at my bracelet for guidance. WWJ | | | | me tell you about Jesus.""Finally I'm getting |
| --E...I looked under 'E'. The first entry was | | | | somewhere!" I thought, and eagerly followed |
| Madame Emael. Could a psychic help me find | | | | him.I stayed the rest of the day and learned |
| out What Would Jesus Email?"What the hell, I | | | | a lot about Jesus. Did you know he had twelve |
| mean -- heck," I thought, I would give it a | | | | regular guys on his marketing team? One was |
| shot.Since Madame Emael had already helped me | | | | more interested in being a rich jerk but the |
| with the 'Duplicate Freaky Email Incident' we | | | | other eleven really went to work after Jesus |
| skipped the casual conversation. I did not | | | | left. They took his message door-to-door, |
| even tell her why I was visiting. I guess she | | | | neighbor-to-neighbor and |
| already knew because before I realized what | | | | friend-to-friend.Jesus' marketing approach |
| was happening the lights went low and she | | | | sounded a lot like viral marketing. Seems |
| started to caress her crystal ball and hum a | | | | like he may have even invented it. His |
| sweet melody.I waited, across the dimly lit | | | | disciples passed his message on from person |
| room. Surely Madame Emael would be able to | | | | to person and the message's influence grew |
| tell me, or get Jesus himself to tell me, the | | | | and grew and grew. Thousands of years later |
| marketing secrets that had stood the test of | | | | the 'tell a friend' campaign continues.I've |
| time."With whom do you wish to speak?" Madame | | | | stopped wearing my WWJE bracelet because the |
| Emael sung in a sweet bird-like voice."The | | | | paint rash wasn't getting any better. Oh, and |
| greatest marketer of all time." I said. "I | | | | I made up with Madame Emael. She, or rather |
| thought you already knew."Vigorously | | | | he, seemed a little more sane after I told |
| caressing her crystal ball Madame Emael | | | | him everything Father Eudora had taught me |
| whispered, "Ok, let's see if we can find -- | | | | about Jesus and his marketing campaign.Seems |
| Cory Rudl and see what he is up to." It was | | | | Madame Emael is just an out-of-work dot com |
| really dark but I could see the crystal ball | | | | executive picking up some work with this |
| start to flicker with sparks of light and I | | | | psychic gig. He tried to explain, at great |
| was kind of mesmerized, almost in a trance. | | | | length, and in great detail, why he chose to |
| Then I realized what she had said."Cory | | | | be a cross-dressing psychic. I stopped him, |
| Rudl?" I exclaimed, into the darkness. No | | | | explaining I was in marketing so stuff like |
| offense, but he has only been gone a few | | | | that didn't bother me.I put my WWJE bracelet |
| months, I'm sure he contributed to Internet | | | | by my computer so I see it when I send my |
| Marketing and stuff but I want to speak to a | | | | weekly e-newsletters. I never paid that much |
| marketer that has stood the test of time for | | | | attention to the 'forward this email to a |
| thousands of years. Cory would have to wait | | | | friend' section before. Oh sure I always made |
| awhile before he met that qualification. "I | | | | sure it was there -- I just never realized |
| was wanting to speak with Jesus, you know, | | | | the |
| the guy that Mel Gibson made that | | | | potential.*********************************** |
| super-violent movie about," I said.Suddenly, | | | | ************I hope you enjoyed my account of |
| Madame Emael's voice changed. It was deep, | | | | how I found out What Would Jesus Email. Now, |
| kind of gravelly and I could hear very heavy | | | | whether you agree with Jesus and his |
| breathing. It sort of sounded like the voice | | | | teachings is not the point. Jesus has been |
| was growling."Oh, crap!" my mind raced. Maybe | | | | gone for thousands of years but his message |
| this was not such a good idea. The management | | | | continues. If email had been around back then |
| article said go read books by successful | | | | I am sure Jesus would have used it to spread |
| people, it did not suggest the option of | | | | 'the gospel' door-to-door, |
| conquering up dead marketers' spirits with a | | | | neighbor-to-neighbor and friend-to-friend. So |
| psychic. Was that Cory growling? Had I | | | | how do we hope to get the kind of response |
| offended him? Or worse, was it Jesus and he | | | | that a dead prophet is still getting |
| was upset? I knew Jesus had gotten ticked off | | | | thousands of years later?Use a tiny phrase in |
| in a temple once and threw all the furniture | | | | your email messages to get your subscribers |
| around. I was just wanting some marketing | | | | to take action. Some people call it 'Tell A |
| advice. I held onto my chair, just in case | | | | Friend' or 'Forward This Email To A |
| the furniture started moving.The deep, | | | | Friend'.Regardless of the label get creative |
| gravel-like voice spoke slowly into the | | | | and encourage your readers to forward your |
| darkness, "Did you say you want to speak to | | | | email newsletters around. Who knows maybe |
| -- Jesus?"I closed my eyes, too scared to | | | | your e-zine will be forwarded about thousands |
| imagine what was about to happen.And with | | | | of years from now carrying on your |
| that the lights flicked on and there stood | | | | message.Brought to you by the -- Email |
| Madame Emael, or rather some guy that looked | | | | Marketing Club: |
| like Madame Emael holding Madame Emael's hair | | | | |
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| yelled in a deep man's voice."What are you | | | | - guaranteed to increase your status with |
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| yelled as I was shoved out the door.Madame | | | | below: |
| Emael, or Monsieur Emael quickly explained to | | | | |
| me, as he was pushing me out the front | | | | out our popular ebook Email Marketing Made |
| entrance, that Jesus and all the great | | | | Easy & |
| spiritual leaders where off limits and if he | | | | |
| tried to contact them he would lose his state | | | | one on one expert Email Marketing coaching |
| license. He said I should go and confess | | | | at you done some bad things this week? Want |
| right away because going to a physic to speak | | | | to earn good karma to erase it all? Forward |
| to Jesus was border lining on some word that | | | | this article to your friends, enemies and |
| sounded a lot like hearsay but I could not | | | | anyone else you know that has an email inbox. |
| make out what he was saying because I was too | | | | You can even print this article and post it |
| busy trying to find my car keys so I could | | | | everywhere there are people. |
| get the heck out of there.I sped out of the | | | | |